me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you traded sex for a burrito?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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