I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
