Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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