If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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