DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize