Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
