i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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