No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My penis needs a shock collar
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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