miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
