I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
