I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
