I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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