You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
