Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
