It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
