Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
