matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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