I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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