just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
