i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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