The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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