Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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