Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
