He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
