Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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