It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
