You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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