mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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