so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Houston, we have a blender
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
