I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
NoShamevember. You game?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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