we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
