i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have grass duct taped all over my body
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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