please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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