It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
