woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
