he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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