giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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