If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
