Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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