grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
