The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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