So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I didn't notice because vodka
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
