i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize