what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
