just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
