the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
