then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
