I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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