I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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