There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
