I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
