shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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