remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
