Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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