I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
