What did we do last night that was yellow?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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