I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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