So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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