It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So squirting runs in the family.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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