your parents love me but you hate me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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