i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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