where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
