Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
