She is in my trunk
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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