oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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