i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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