At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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