I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
