My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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