I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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